Polyester Tears

August 13:

OH! My! God!

Mom and I went to the mall, which was soo embarrassing. (you have no idea). She wanted to look for clothes for school with me. Of course all I could do was shriek that she was a bitch, anything less wouldn’t have done anything. It’s even worse since she claims she has a new guy, I don’t believe her.

Anyway, we did go looking at backpacks, she refused to leave the mall without something. I wanted to go check out that store in the middle next to that store that sells pretzels, the one with the really hot Italian Guy. She took me to the lame store that opens the month before school starts so there’s an easy place to get school supplies. Worse, she wanted me to get the ugly green one with all the pockets. I managed to convince her the purple one was better.


August 20:

Go figure, that she was telling the truth. Mom’s new guy picked her up for their date tonight. That means I have the house to myself! I got some girls coming over for a sleep over. I’m going to drop Johnny’s name into the conversation at some point and see what the girls say.


THAT WHORE!

Julie totally has the hots for my Johnny. When I mentioned his name she got all quiet, but I know she likes him. If she makes any kind of move her hair is going to be all over the school.


August 28:

Nothing is happening. Everyone’s too busy getting ready for school to have any decent parties. Mom’s guy picked her up again tonight and no one wants to come over. All I could do was sit around and watch movies and, of course, nothing was on. Even the shopping channel sucked, they had some lame makeup that was supposed to match your skin tone perfectly. I think it was Powdered Skin or something like that.


September 1:

It’s the first day of school and I already hate all of my classes, professors, and schedule. To think that Mr. Finnel wants me to run laps everyday in gym! I don’t sweat! I made this quite clear to him but he wouldn’t budge unless I had a doctor’s note. I tried to get my mom to get me an appointment but she’s too busy trying to look good for her guy. She even thinks that working out would do wonders for my figure! The bitch! I don’t throw up my breakfast everyday just to be called fat!

Oh! I heard from a friend who heard from a friend who might possibly have overheard Johnny mention my name in the hallway today. I almost died of embarrassment and had to go to the bathroom to throw up the cheese pizza I had eaten for lunch. I mean, I was going to anyway, but now I’m doing it for Johnny.


September 2:

Yes! Mrs. Krunnel told us that we are going to be reading Romeo and Juliet in class this year. That story is so romantic, I’ve seen the Leonardo DiCaprio version so many times I could recite it in my sleep. Of course Leonardo DiCaprio is replaced by Johnny, but I still love the story. I always cry when I reach the end, it really is such a tragic love tale. I could only wish my life was so awesome.

Oh! I met mom’s boyfriend today. He’s kinda cute in a n old sort of way. He is tall and I could see how he could have been muscular at one point in his life, but he looks kinda fat now. Why mom wants to become thinner when he clearly isn’t going to get into better shape is beyond me. He seems to like redecorating, he suggested that mom replace the drapes with blinds. He claims that sun causes cancer. I vaguely remember hearing that in a health class at some point, but I think that was the class with Mr. Tchi. He was so hot! His tan totally looked real despite the rumors that it was from a can. Either way there is no way mom is getting rid of those drapes, they’ve been there since dad moved out.


September 7:

I heard the theater department has chosen West Side Story as their musical this year. This sucks, Johnny is totally getting the lead role this year and it’s going to be for a horrible play. Whatever, I guess I’m just going to have to try and get the lead female part with him despite my hatred for the play. God, why does it have to be this play? I mean, who names their gang the ‘Jets’?

I told mom about this and she seems excited, she says that her guy used to be in Broadway. I don’t really know, or care, if this is true. It doesn’t make her make them change the play.

As per usual she wants me to start practicing now, that way I can be ready for tryouts. They haven’t posted any dates yet, but it wouldn’t make sense for them to wait too long. They usually do tryouts early in the first quarter so they can get as many practices in ‘to ensure the best quality performance we can.’ The director just wants his raises to increase.


September 8:

Tryouts were posted today. I have to really start working, they’re in a week. Why Mr. Haten believes we’ll be ready in a week is beyond me. Either way I won’t be able to write much, I have to practice as much as possible.


September 14:

Tryouts were today. I think I did okay, although that Michelle really did a good job. Even I have to admit she may beat me for the part of Maria. It bothers me that she will be opposite Johnny. I mean, there is no way they are going to start dating, Michelle’s a senior and is therefore too old for him. But now I have no way of getting closer to him. Oh well, there is still hope, the listings haven’t been posted yet.


September 18:

As expected Michelle got the Maria part next to Johnny. Carla and Joe got Maria and Tony in cast b, which doesn’t really matter. Everyone’s going to want to watch Johnny anyway. Now for the exciting news, even though I didn’t get Maria with Johnny I got the part of Anita! I am soo excited! And, the best part, it’s in cast A. This means that I am going to see Johnny daily. Unfortunately Julie might get her hair strewn around the school faster than expected. Even though her part isn’t any where near as cool, Anybody does have more on stage time with Tony, and therefore Johnny. I think there’s a time where she actually gets to touch him. If I see her eyeing my Johnny her scalp is coming off!


Mom’s taking Darrel’s suggestion and changing the drapes to blinds. I don’t really mind, my windows are staying the same, so whatever. I just wonder why, she’s loved those drapes since she bought them. They were her first purchase as a single woman. I know, that’s sort of weird. But we needed new drapes and she had been putting it off until she felt comfortable in public again. She says the blinds come in a week, whatever makes her happy I guess.


September 20:

Mom and Darrel have been going out for a month. He came over early to surprise her but she was out shopping for the new blinds. He got a little mad and said he had a special night planned. I offered him the phone and he pulled it out of my hand and told me to dial, why he couldn’t do it I don’t know. To be honest he scared me a little. I don’t know, he seemed to get really angry about such a small thing. Whatever, I’m not dating him and I had to go practice some more, I want to impress Johnny at the first practice.

By the way, if I don’t write too much for a while it’s because I’m going to be busy with practices. Don’t take it personally, you know I need you.


Darrel’s been on the phone for a while talking to mom. He seems to have gotten angrier. I can hear him yelling from upstairs. I’d go down to check, but I think that’d make things worse. I hope mom gets here soon so they can go out on their date and I can get back to practicing.


EWWWWWW!

Something spilled on my backpack and now all the pages are wet. I can’t even read my homework, there isn’t going to be anything I can do to tell Mrs. Krunnel that I actually read. I hope she’ll give me the benefit of the doubt.


September 21:

I asked mom about the fight while I was eating breakfast. At some point the yelling had stopped, I went downstairs and the drapes had been torn off. She claims that she told him to take them down, but I doubt she meant like that. I told my mom about the ruined homework and she made some strange comment about spilled milk. I had smelled my backpack and it didn’t seem like spilled milk. Either way my homework’s ruined, hopefully the practice tonight will be good.


Just to give you a quick update, class was fine. Mrs. Krunnel didn’t seem to mind the ruined homework and gave me another copy to complete for tomorrow. Practice also went well, I didn’t know I had to be molested by James, I guess there are worse people out there. After all, Tina gets molested by Bart. I wouldn’t touch him with a…I really just wouldn’t touch him. Unfortunately Johnny was so interested in getting his part the way Mr. Haten wanted he didn’t really notice me. Not that I blame him or anything, he does have a lot to do. Maybe he’ll say something to me before the play is over.


September 26:

The play has been eating up my time more than I had planned. I only decided to write today because mom’s blinds came in. They are disgusting. She claims that they are Darrel’s favorite color but they look like someone puked over the windows! Darrel was rather pissed they came in a day late, he showed up yesterday wanting to examine them (because of course mom can’t do it herself) and practically threw a fit when she told him they hadn’t shown up yet. He immediately got on his cell phone and called the company. I guess he went outside or left after that since I didn’t hear the yelling.

He came back today and was really happy to see them. He looked at every blind and was finally very satisfied with how well mom had done. I think that every time I walk into a room with those blinds I’m going to turn off the lights rather than turn them on, somehow he managed to convince her that every room (but mine) was a good place to hang them. Mom’s going to find that the only good thing she’s going to get out of those blinds are a better energy bill. Of course I complain, but she said she really likes Darrel and wants to continue dating him. Why she’s scared he’ll dump her over blinds is beyond me, but she will continue to hear my complaints. If it comes to it I will have some friends over and we will ‘gossip’ about the color green and how puke green is the worst kind of green.

Johnny still hasn’t’ talked to me, but I’m still not worried. Mr. Haten seems pleased with our progress while equally displeased with cast b’s progress.


October 5:

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve written. Nothing knew has really happened. Mom and Darrel are really getting along, they’re going out on dates regularly (like 2-3 times a week) and meeting for lunch when they don’t have one. I still can’t tell if I like him or not, he seems like a nice guy, but I still have problems with those drapes not to mention that temper. I’ve continued to complain (haven’t tested the ‘gossip’ idea yet since I haven’t had the time) but mom says she wants to make Darrel happy. I’ve pointed out that he doesn’t live in the house and that I do but she’s only said things like ‘give it time.’


October 6:

WOW!

So, apparently Mr. Haten didn’t cast subs for any of the parts. Which means that if any of us get sick or can’t do the musical he’s screwed. Which is exactly what he is now, Michelle has to move! Her mom came in and talked with Mr. Haten while we were in practice. We thought she was late, but it turns out she wasn’t coming in at all! Best of all the only two people that he is considering to take her place are me and Julie. Since she has Anybodys and I have Anita I’m pretty sure I know who’s going to get that part.


Mom seemed distracted when I told her. She was cleaning the living room for something. Maybe she’s holding a party? The book club hasn’t been to our house in a while, it might be time for them to come here. Not that she’s been going to the meetings though. I don’t know. I’d ask her about it but I have to begin learning Maria’s lines.


October 8:

Mr. Haten did tryouts for both Julie and I today. He did us together and told us who had the part right then and there.

I GOT IT!

I get the lead next to Johnny and Julie is playing Anita. This means she no longer gets to touch him, has to be molested by James and I get Johnny’s attention. He has to talk to me now, I will eventually get him. I know it!


October 14:

Mrs. Krunnel told us that West Side Story is based off of Romeo and Juliet. That and because I was acting in it this year we watched it in class. I still think the story is silly, but I fell in love with Tony and Maria the moment they came on screen. I think it’s been bumped up to my favorite movie of all time. I never thought something could do better than Mean Girls!


Mom told me Darrel is moving in. She said he asked her last week end they both thought it was a good second month anniversary. I think it’s too soon, but mom won’t listen to me again. Either way he’s coming and I have to be ready for it. But until then I need to practice.


Strange, something spilled on my backpack again. I didn’t think there was anything liquid in my room this time and the floor isn’t very wet. Maybe I left in something from lunch, but nothing came of a quick search. The only thing ruined this time was my script which is fine, I need a new one anyway since this one is marked with all of Anita’s cues. Mr. Haten also said he’s given Julie, whoever is replacing Julie, and myself brand new copies so this can just be thrown out. I’m going to have to be more careful about what I put in my backpack.


October 20:

It’s official, I do not like Darrel. There is no reason for someone to come into someone else’s house, a house that they have lived in for years, and tell them to change almost everything. He says the fung shway is wrong. I’m pretty sure clearing out the bottom half of the fridge so he can store his beer isn’t very fung shway. Mom seems fine with it, and I guess if he doesn’t bother the things that I have to do nothing bad will happen. But if he steps one toe out of line there will be war.


October 21:

He did it already. He wants me to stop practicing…in my room…at 5:00 in the afternoon…so he can watch his reruns.

He came upstairs while I was practicing the last scene of Act 1, the one where Tony and Maria sleep together. (By the way, I get to lay there with him for like five minutes and just stare into his eyes. I think he zones out, and sometimes he goes to sleep, but I don’t care. I still get to be under the covers with him!). Anyway, he comes up stairs while I’m practicing because, you know, this scene is soo loud. He comes up tells me to shut up or he will make me shut up. I had my door closed and he just opened it. For all he knew I was naked. If he ever does that again I am going to kick him in the balls.


October 22:

What a crappy day. I wake up, get dressed, and go downstairs to eat breakfast. Mom’s there waiting and gives me a five minute lecture about ‘the how hard it must be for Darrel to adjust to living in this house’ and ‘that I have to be patient with him, he’s not used to it.’ I wanted to slap her to get her to shut up, but I didn’t have the energy.

I then go get my backpack, which I had left by the door since none of my teachers gave us homework for some reason, and find out that it is sitting in a puddle of water! Since I don’t have anything else I have to try and dry it off in thirty seconds before the bus leaves because mom spent to long on that stupid lecture.

So, I have water dripping down my back all day. Everyone thinks that I am sweating buckets, like the fat girls do as they chew, and by the time practice starts I am so wet that Johnny doesn’t even want to get under the covers with much less touch me. Mr. Haten was soo frustrated that I wanted to punch myself. I finally went and got the extra clothes that I store in my locker and tried my best to keep my backpack at arms length.

I have no idea how so much water got into it. If I find out that Darrel did something I won’t need an excuse to get him to come into my room to kick his balls.


October 24:

I went out with my friends to the mall today to get away from Darrel. Nothing was on sale and mom hasn’t been as willing to give me money now that she’s paying for Darrel (I’m not sure he even works). So all I was able to do was hang out with friends and get away from Darrel.

I saw Johnny briefly but was too busy avoiding him because of what happened two days ago. I hope he doesn’t think that’s how I usually am. I’m going to have to be extra good to prove to him that I am not a wet person.

Anyway, when I got home I found mom laying on the ground in the kitchen. Darrel was sitting in the living room watching TV and drinking beer. When I found her she was crying and there were bruises forming on her arms. I tried to find out what happened but Darrel told me to leave her alone. I of course didn’t listen to him at first but mom insisted so I went upstairs. I told her that I would be there the rest of the night if she needed me.


I went down to grab a bite to eat (and see if mom was okay) she was sitting at the table staring at the floral patter, one of the only things Darrel hasn’t changed. Darrel had already gone to bed and so I asked mom what had happened. She said that she had accidentally dropped a case of beer on her way back from the store. The cans were shaken when she got home and she told Darrel that he should wait for them to settle, at least she thought she did. Next thing she knows he’s yelling in her face and grabbing her because the can sprayed in his face. She was so scared that she hadn’t moved until shortly before I came back downstairs when he had gone to bed.

I went to reach for the phone but mom stopped me and said that she would have a talk with Darrel the next day to sort all of these things out. That everything was all right and that it was really her fault.

I don’t believe her and will kick Darrel in the balls that next time he touches her.

She was insistent enough, though, that I put on a smile and agreed before coming back up here and writing.


October 25:

Mom went out for ice packs for her bruises after talking with Darrel. Which left me alone with him. I stayed in my room and practiced as silently as I could reciting lines to myself and imagining Johnny talking back to me. Apparently I was too loud, Darrel began banging on my door shortly after I began, he didn’t even wait for a response from me before opening the door. The suddenness of it took me by complete surprise and I didn’t have any time to react before I found myself on the floor. He yelled something about telling me to be quiet and all I could do was curl up and try to protect myself as he kicked me.

I don’t know how long it lasted but eventually he left the room and went back into the living room to continue watching TV. It’s hard to even write and I’m scared to leave. Even if I wanted to I couldn’t defend myself now, I think he broke a rib or two. Maybe it will feel better after sleep.


October 26:

Mom knows what happened but refuses to acknowledge it. I doubt she’s even talked to him. She gave me some stuff to cover the bruises and asked me not to tell anyone at school. I agreed for today, because what am I going to say? If someone confronts me, I’m not going to deny it. Thankfully it’s cast B’s practice today or I would have died whenever Johnny touched me.


My backpack was very wet again, but I didn’t mind, the cool water made the bruises feel better.


October 27:

Another day of nothing. Mom keeps giving me makeup to cover my bruises as if that will make what Darrel does disappear. He has given me an edict that, if I tell anyone of what is happening, he will kill both me and my mom. I do believe him and so try to keep on a straight face while I am at school. No one seems to notice, it’s strange. There isn’t even a questioning glance from Johnny as I wince when he grabs my arm or pulls me close I guess I’m that good at hiding it. Maybe that’s not such a good talent.


October 30:

My backpack cries for me.


Let me explain my earlier statement. Darrel got mad at me, this time because ‘I looked at him wrong.’ He beat me up while my mom watched. It was a long time before he stopped and by the time he finished I was no longer just bruised. There were a few very deep cuts in my back from where he hit me with something. I don’t know what and I don’t really care. Mom took me up to the bathroom and cleaned them as best as she could and told me that I had to go to school tomorrow. I didn’t argue and went to bed. Today I placed my backpack on and had to scream in pain. Darrel told me to shut up and apparently went back to bed but mom came running.

The water that seems to appear randomly from my backpack is salty apparently. I never had the need to taste it and the smell I got before was simply clean.


November 3:

People are starting to notice. Finally.

I still don’t feel comfortable saying anything. But I guess my back pack can tell them for me. I don’t know how, but the beatings Darrel gives me are somewhat being transferred to my backpack. I wish mom had the same thing. I know I don’t get as bad beatings but the makeup is working less and less and my backpack is starting to tear in very obvious places. At least my cuts have gone away, the salt water that flows from the backpacks seams never ends.

The counselor approached me and asked me to talk to him. I didn’t say anything during the meeting. Johnny pulled me aside at one point during practice and I couldn’t get myself to mention what was happening.


I don’t know how much more mom can take, Darrel’s not letting her leave and I can’t get help. I wish there was something I could do.


November 5:

I broke today. Or, more appropriately, my backpack did. It was in English. We were talking about when Juliet takes her life with the poisoned knife or something and someone complained about the floor being wet. Everyone was looking around for the cause except me. I knew my backpack was crying for me. I knew that if I just gave the signal it would stop crying and let me do it for myself. I don’t understand why it had taken the burden of what was happening upon itself but it had.

Eventually they discovered that water was pouring from my backpack. All the while I sat in my desk and stared ahead thinking of nothing. I don’t really know why I did it, but I gave the signal. It was very simple, something that I could have done all along. The salty water stopped flowing from the backpack’s seams and instead I began crying. The counselor came and talked with me. I discussed what had been happening in at the house, what he had been doing and what he had threatened.

I spent the rest of the day crying and didn’t move from my desk. When I finally came home Darrel was gone. Mom was there and she tried to tell me the story, but realized that I wasn’t paying attention.

In all honesty I don’t really know how I’m getting that energy to write this, but I do and so I feel I must.

I think sleep would be good.


November 13:

It’s been exactly two months since I bought the backpack. Two months since mom first told me about Darrel. Exactly 8 days ago the police took him from our house in handcuffs. I don’t know what’s happened to him since then, honestly I don’t really care. Mom can deal with it and I can help emotionally when she needs it, after all I am her daughter.

My backpack is ruined,. I still don’t understand how it happened and maybe later in life I’ll come up with an explanation, for now I’m happy it cried for me. Mom’s injuries amounted to more than a few broken bones and a small amount of time in the hospital (she was discharged on the 9th). I guess I was never really aware of what was happening. I never really knew Darrel, he was just someone who mom liked and I felt I had to deal with it. Even mom’s beatings were done while I wasn’t around, so I never knew to what extent he hurt her.

I went back to practice a couple of days ago, they were happy to have me back. Johnny was very supportive. I’m not really sure what to make of him anymore. He seems more like a stranger. I think I’ll enjoy sharing my time with him under the covers on the stage but not beyond that.

Julie can have him.